Touch-starved & Tired

I have periods of loneliness and I fear the further isolation to come in December (at my permanent site) when I am far away from anyone who speaks English, have no Wi-Fi, and have no friends in a hundred-mile radius of me. I fear the lack of intimacy, lack of touch. As it stands now, I already feel completely touch-starved and I am missing the feeling of romantic love that I once knew when I had a partner. This will be the first November of my adult life that I do not have a boyfriend… that is a huge step in my journey of breaking my anxious attachment cycle. I have built so much of my life around love interests because I have been afraid of relying on solely myself in times of grief, fear of facing my mother’s death head-on-- without sex and alcohol clouding my vision. I have put myself in a position to be celibate and sober in a new country with a pivotal career opportunity standing before me. I have faith in myself for the first time in a very long time that I can maintain some semblance of control over my actions these next few weeks and try to maintain control, even if I am not fully healed.

And in all truth, I never will be fully healed from my mom’s death. I do not grow away from the grief, I just grow around it. My life continues on and I think of what she would think of me, how proud she would be to see me learning Spanish and embracing her culture. All the years I spent fumbling for guidance when she was there guiding me all along. My life is not for the faint of heart, and the pains I have experienced are enough to fill a lifetime. But the love I have felt is so deep and the people who have touched my soul will stay with me forever, even as time changes who I am with every passing day.