Making Lists is My Coping Mechanism

(ft: no shower for 4 days, broken clothing rack I refuse to replace, filthy sweatpants, dead roses someone gave me at a Corazon Serrano concert, exploded med kit, undrunk smoothie, and half unpacked duffel bag)

Today I spoke on the phone to my dad and he told me I should “get a good government job” after Peace Corps so I can pay off my school debt. I told him I might actually want to go to grad school to become a therapist, and he said I shouldn’t go because I would get into more school debt, and he said “You don’t want to sit in an office for all your life,” to the second half, I say fair point. I do hate being inside and sitting down unless I am painting or in the bath. 

When I woke up this morning I rolled over and stared at the grey paisley print sheet that came with the room, and I thought about loneliness. I woke up from a dream about me and some person cuddling, and I immediately felt sad. I ruminated on the feeling and took a deep breath. I actually couldn’t cry because I was so sick that it hurt to swallow my saliva. 

So I wrote a List of Shit called “I’m okay because:” I titled it this because saying “I am grateful for…” would’ve just pissed me off and then I wouldn’t have written the list.

I’m okay because:

• I woke up alive today

• Legs still work - this one is important 

• I’m getting over the strep throat

• There is edible food that I can eat

• I can hear

• I am not fat!

• I have cool dreams

• If I finish this program I will be free (Dec 2026)

• Pain is growth

• My family and friends love me a lot

• My dad loves me!

• My mom loves me!

• My brother loves me even though we only talk like once a month

• I am tan (thanks Lima)

• I have nice boobs (thanks genetics)

• The sky is blue and the sun is out

• I am learning so much Spanish

• My mind is what controls my mood

I actually felt better after writing the list. Who knew? But then after the phone call with my dad, I wrote “I want to cry and cry and cry and disappear and I want everyone to be proud of me then leave me alone.”

So then after the whole “what are you gonna do after Peace Corps” conversation with my dad, I wrote down my deepest desires to tune in to myself because I was pissy. He questioned my conflicting ideas; one minute I want to work for the forest service or some shit, and the next I want to be a therapist. Yeah, he is right, I am a bit confused about the career path. But hell yes I have ideas! I always have ideas. This has infuriated every romantic partner I have ever had, I will dream and fantasize and wish until the cows come home. But to give myself some credit, I do end up fulfilling a lot of my fantasies. Traveling, Peace Corps, super badass incredible friends, really interesting men coming into my life (and walking right out of it), living in Seattle (love that city), having a big ass garden, learning Spanish, giving people therapy with a bachelor’s (probably unethical), and all the cryptic, intense stories that come along with my life. The way I have lived is not for the faint of heart.

So anyway, here is the PG version of My List of Deepest Desires. More like life goals but I like calling it deepest desires.

My List of Deepest Desires:

• Be outside as much as possible

• Have a family (2 or 3 kids, as long as I get both genders)

• Own a home

• Have a big garden

• Travel the world end to end up and down and inside out (the travel goals will be its own separate list)

• Have a life partner, and be in a happy marriage (my parents set the bar too goddamn high…)

• Go skiing every winter and enjoy snow while we still have it

• Live near a lake/body of water so I can swim every day of summer or all year

• Never stop learning

• Banish all shame and embarrassment from my body and mind

• Always be open-minded, even when I grow older and more set in my ways

• Always have room in my life for my art

• Try to remain ethical in my professional work

• Find a job that I enjoy and allows me the freedom to be myself and use my creative skills

• To feel independent, supported, and continuously loved

• Be in my friends’ lives to watch them grow and succeed

• Happiness is fleeting, but peace is what I desire even more

Okay, here is my final list just for fun. I taught myself the list-making coping skill in 2019 after a series of unfortunate events; I would make myself lists of activities to do besides partaking in drugs and alcohol. The lists would remind me that I had hobbies and a LIFE.

Things I like to do but I CAN’T do in my site:

• Swim

• Cook my own meals

• Sex

• Skiing and sledding

• Oil painting

• Be with my lifelong family and friends

• Wear crop tops outside of bedroom

• go to raves/big concerts

Things I CAN do in my site for fun:

• Yoga

• Draw

• Enjoy local Peruvian food

• Practice Spanish

• Masturbate

• Watercolor paint

• Go on a walk in the woods

• Enjoy a mango

• Hike

• Wear leg warmers

• Draw with my host sisters

• Wear crop top in my bedroom

• Read my kindle

• Attempt to knit

• Dance by myself with headphones in (this is probably the most favorite activity)