Loneliness or Growth?

I've been thinking a lot about the friendships I've had in the past and wondering why things went wrong. Moving back to the area where I grew up has made me reminisce on all the fond memories I shared with my childhood friends here. I think about skinny dipping during fire season, the smoke permeating every surface and nostril or driving around in my old beat up Subaru, having long conversations about everything and nothing at all. I felt like I was on the verge of becoming something important and every day I woke up in my mom's old studio feeling excited to start the day. I think about the summer after my first year of college when I came to live at home and work at the grocery store in Colville. I loved the way my hair was cut then and I would wear fake eyelashes to work all the time, because for some reason I felt like I needed to. I was only nineteen then, and my dad was working down in California a lot and constantly calling me to tell me not to throw any parties at the house or even have friends over, which of course I did.

I miss two of my friends more than I have missed anything in a long time, excluding my mother. This is a different type of longing. I guess I am longing for that fun feeling, that open door. Endless summer evenings perfumed with wildfire smoke. I keep wondering if those two girls were good for me or if I should continue to keep them out of my life forever and always. But, I think if I do, I might look back on my life with regret, and the thought makes me want to cry. I am embarrassed to miss people that didn't always treat me right, and for now I remain stagnant. I am stuck between missing and knowing their voice is only a phone call away. For now, I guess I will just keep doing my thing and trying to build a career that I had lost sight of for years.