Head back home to the Mountain

I’m back on the mountain, taking the time to reflect and heal after breaking up with my boyfriend of nearly four years. In some ways, I feel relieved as though a weight has lifted off my shoulders, and I am living my most genuine truth. But in other ways, I lost a sense of stability that I had relied on heavily. The best part is, I am free.

I wake up surrounded by fir trees and Ponderosa pine, and I am quietly alone. I can workout when I want to, go to bed when I feel like it, and do whatever I feel like all of the time. I have no one to share this tranquility with but myself and the few friends I have over. Yet, I have yet to feel lonely or isolated. To be one with nature is gently healing my soul and freeing my mind to see myself for who I really am. I am raw and blemished, naked to my own psyche. I am checking in on my inner thoughts to find the bruised ego and brokenness of being in a relationship that stunted my growth. I find myself being insecure about my body like a teenager, something I haven't felt since I was sixteen. I felt so small, and now that I can be myself, I feel powerful yet uncertain. I have to find who I am again and fuck the rest.

For the past week, I have been waking up early and practicing yoga then going for a walk or a hike outside or chopping wood for the fireplace. Sometimes I just lay down in the snow and listen to the Deftones and ponder my own existence. I am questioning why I felt like I needed someone else to define me, why did I stay when I shouldn’t have, and what am I becoming now? I have to remind myself that being on my own is the priority and finding someone else to love is not necessary for my happiness. It’s easier to digest after years of therapy and practicing self perseveration.

I listen to music about five hours a day these days, and I am binge watching everything on TV until the snow melts and I can swim in the lake or ride my bike. I refuse to use dating apps, because I know it will only hinder my mental health and promote a sickeningly false sense of intimacy. I am surrounding myself with people who respect and care for me. I don’t have time for anything else.

Of course, it’s not all perfect, sometimes I take a bath, get stoned and cry while listening to Amy Winehouse. But at least it’s not like 2019, when I would drink, listen to Amy Winehouse, then invite over the most vile men from Tinder. I dream about my ex, but I have no desire for contact, and I miss having someone to rely on. But, I am learning to enjoy the silence, like Depeche Mode says. Just allow my mind to wander. Create art and do yoga and try to get enough sleep at night.